As of Monday (September 12th), I have officially scheduled my weight loss surgery for October 17th. This has been a year in the making and a lot of time, thought, effort, and prayer has gone into this decision. I've told very few people about what I'm about to do, mostly out of fear of what they will think of me. I know that I will eventually have to fess up to it and I think at that point I will be proud, because I'm hoping that when I do come clean with my secret, I'll have shed some considerable weight. Right now, I don't want to be judged on my decision and I don't want to feel like a failure because my weight has gotten out of control; I don't want people to think that I'm cheating the system either.
First, I've been over weight my whole life - or for at least as long as I can remember. In the last year alone since leaving college, I've gain 25 lbs. I don't like where my life is headed and although I don't have any co-morbidity factors now, I don't want to gain any either. This is a health-conscience decision, but to be honest, one of vanity as well. I'm tired of wearing sweatpants or yoga pants all the time instead of "real clothes." I want to be able to swap and share clothes with friends and feel comfortable in a bathing suit (actually, does anyone feel comfortable in a bathing suit?). I'd even like to be able to wear a bikini - possibly. My stomach has only seen the light of the tanning bed and not the light of day because I've never been a size where I could feel comfortable wearing a midriff bearing bathing suit.
I'd like the opportunity to find love, marry, and have babies. At the size that I am now, I don't think that's possible. Maybe someone could love me for who I am, but a pregnancy while being obese is very dangerous for both the mother and the child. I can't see my life without children and this is one step in making those dreams come true.
I also want to be a nurse and for me, that involves setting a healthy body image for my patients. How could they take medical advice from someone who doesn't take care of themselves? You may be thinking that I don't take care of myself now if I'm needing weight loss surgery, but I would beg to differ. I'm not a tree hugging, super organic loving vegan either though. In high school and college, I took dance classes, participated in figure skating, and worked out regularly and was still over weight. Post-college, I've been walking and taking Zumba classes. I also don't think that I eat terribly bad either. I stick mostly to lean meats, low-fat dairy products, and fruits (vegetables are a little harder to get down).
Recently, knowing that I'm going to have the surgery, I've been eating really poorly. I've been eating all the things that I know that I won't be able to have post-surgery. I've been a complete glutton and sometimes it feels fantastic to be honest and other times I've stuffed myself so full that I just want to press a valve and relieve myself anyway that I can. I know that this in part has added to my weight gain over the past year and I tell myself that this will only make my weight loss look bigger than it actually might have been. (Anything to keep that confidence up.)
Weight loss surgery is not the easy out that some people think it is. There is a long process to get approved by an insurance company to begin with. After the surgery, meals have to be carefully prepared and measured and the person post surgery must monitor their vitamin and mineral intake since they eat a considerably smaller amount of food. I will only be eating a 1/2 a cup at each meal (that's a total of 1 1/2 cups of food a day or 12 oz). Think about that for a moment... That's as much food as will fit inside a standard size soda can. (By the way, I won't be having any soda after the surgery - or any other carbonated drink for that matter - so bye-bye Coke Zero/Diet Coke addiction.)
Then there is the psychological factors as well. Weight loss happens very quickly with surgery, unlike with diet and exercise, and the toll emotionally can be very difficult on some people. There is an increased risk of suicide with the procedure as well. People think that being thin will make then feel happier and more satisfied in other parts of their lives and when it doesn't it leads to depression. Also, after the initial large weight loss, some people struggle with keeping all the weight off and may gain some of it back, especially if they don't stick to the strict diet. This too leads to feelings of failure and defeat. There can also be psychological consequences with pregnancies because it brings the feelings of being overweight back again.
Luckily, Bon Secours has a support group to attend. I think this will be really helpful since other people who have not had the surgery may be able to empathize with your situation and support you, but they can't truly feel what you're going through. I feel that this group will be a safe place to talk about failures and successes post-surgery.
Speaking of support from others, that is lacking partly right now. This has been another reason that I've been reluctant to tell others about my decision for weight loss surgery. My mother is in full-support of the surgery. I think that most of this support is because of vanity. She has always pressured me about my weight, even as a young child. She wants me to be the pretty, pretty princess, have a fairytale romance, and live happily ever after. At times, she has been extremely cruel about my weight and often we've had huge fights about it. This is one less area in my life that I will be a failure to her in.
My dad and step-mom are not in support of the surgery. I think that they are concerned about the risks associated with it (which, by the way, some of them can be pretty nasty - including death). My step-mom supports me in my decision, but not the procedure itself. I think my dad is against it completely. It's OK if they don't agree with me. I'm an adult and I'm capable of making my own decisions, but I still want their love and support in everything that I do.
My grandfather has said that he will financially support me by paying for the 10% of surgery that is not covered by my insurance. He too has always been obsessed with my weight mostly because of appearances, rather than health. I'm just hoping that he will step up to the plate and pay out come October; if not, I'll be on some kind of payment plan.
Speaking of finances for surgery, that's another issue. Just to get to this point has cost a decent amount of money on my part and the insurance company's part as well. I've had to go to several doctor's visits, a nutrition consult, have a psychiatric evaluation, and a sleep study done as well. Co-pays aren't fun, but luckily mine isn't astronomical.
So this is the beginning of my long physical and emotional journey to change and hopefully success. I'm losing the old flabby self and gaining a new healthier self. Out with the old and in with the new!
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